The way I handle conflict is to get it out in the open and deal with it live. I don't love the conversation in the middle of the conflict and I can definitely raise my voice and be irrational. I can also intimidate to try to get the other person to back down or retreat. Occasionally after I recognize these behaviors, I can summon up my conflict management skills and try to remain calm. I try to listen, and I try to understand the other person. I am in no way perfect BUT I do like the result of dealing with the conflict to gain a better understanding of the other person and to deepen our relationship. This in my experience is what happens in healthy conflict.
What I cannot handle is conflict that goes on forever. Because it keeps resurfacing when I thought we had resolved it, makes me wonder if it will ever be resolved. It also makes me wonder what else lies below the surface unresolved. I once asked someone to give me the whole list of complaints they had about my behavior because I did not want to have to wonder what else was on the list or how long the list was. Conflict takes an emotional toll and if the list keeps on going, I am not sure that I can handle the entire list.
I am aware that we all deal with conflict differently. I won't do it on email and will insist on face-to-face or a live phone call. I will also not enter or stay in conflict if the other person is not trying to resolve it, or does not have the skills or inclination to handle it in a healthy way.
I did wonder as I wrote this how many unresolved conflicts there are out there that involve me. My head exploded at the possibilities. This is not an invitation to air your dirty laundry or to list my behaviors that irritate you. It is an invitation to enter into a conversation to resolve an issue with the understanding that we handle conflict differently and that the conversation has to be productive for both of us.
The bottom line for me is that conflict has to be resolved in a healthy way, and once we agree it is resolved and over and that we are both OK, we are done with that one. I would love to contain it that neatly. Actually I am over the conflict at that point. I am OK, but sometimes the other person is not OK and this is the part that drives me crazy. Raising a conflict months later, that we agreed was resolved makes me wonder if I will ever be able to resolve conflict with that person.
I know that I have resolved conflict in a healthy way because some of those people are my best friends. I feel so warm about them because we resolved the conflict, and the next conflict conversation with them is fruitful because we have traction, experience and skills. In fact, there are less conflicts with that person because we know each other better.
This started as a rant and morphed into some self-awareness. What did I learn? I don't like revisiting when I thought we were done and I can be intimidating. Yes, little 'ole me. I don't feel intimidating, I feel feisty and powerful and strong. Some people receive that as intimidating, but honestly that is not always my intent. Although sometimes it is and that is the behavior I want to check, and modify.
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