On the Eve of Change - one on one conversations

Two days before an incredible change in our country along with a million other pundits I am contemplating the divisiveness in our country.  I read a friend's posting on Facebook just now and that person and I could not be in different places.  I suspect that I am on the verge of being blocked or unfriended by that person which I have already invited "friends" to do.   Sample from my Facebook posts are:

"If you don't like that I post 200 pictures of Zuzu every day please feel free to unfriend me"

"I realize that I might offend others with my shares, so unfriend me in that case.  I cannot stay silent"



When I post on Facebook I USUALLY go through a couple of filters:

1)  "Am I going to embarrass one of my kids with this?"  Honest Chris and Bethany, I do have this filter and it is my first one.

2)  "Have I already shared enough Rumi quotes today or this week, and am I beating a dead horse?"

3)  "Is this important, is this kind and is this necessary?"  OK this filter might not always include the "Is this kind?" but the other two trump the "Is this kind?"

4)  Occasionally I have a filter of "What would friends who are opposite to me politically think of this?"  This one does not stop me from posting but I do think about it.

This last filter is the topic of this post.  I do think that we need to listen to each other and as hard as it is I think we need to listen to those who are on the opposite end of the political spectrum from us.  These are the folks that we like to dismiss, make fun of, get angry with and in all other ways not listen to.  I don't think my Facebook posts are going to help at all with "opposites".  My good friend Gary Holmes wrote an excellent public post about this:

https://garyholmes76.wordpress.com/2016/02/26/the-2016-election-how-to-lose-friends-and-not-influence-people-on-facebook/

BTW, he is one of my friends who is very close to opposite to me and we have skirted around some conversations recently but not had the REAL conversation.    Ready to have it Gary?

A key component to these conversations is that both members will have to be ready, willing and able to have it.  There are skills needed to listen and not rebut, just listen.  There are methodologies many of us have taken in Leadership Training like "What I heard you say......".  It is difficult to have these conversations if you are conflict adverse and these conversations take time and should probably be done live or video conference so you can read the body language of the other person.

THEY SHOULD NOT BE DONE ON Facebook, email, text, social media OR probably in a group.  They should be 1-1.

In my work career I was trained as a mediator and coach, and it was amazing to watch the transformation during some of the sessions.  By identifying the needs of each person, by getting them to really listen to each other, by going as slowly as we needed to make sure the process was being followed, and by having a follow up plan for how each would honor the commitments made, magic happened.  I informally mediated other discussions at work between managers and direct reports, where getting them to listen to each other and resolve misperceptions drastically changed their future interactions.  Often times, I was just a coach in the conversation and would step back and just be a fly on the wall as the conversation continued.  I would say less than 5% of the time we failed.  There are failures and it was usually when people were not listening and/or not ready to have the real conversation

The day after the election, in Cuba, at lunch with a close friend we went at it after our first mojito.  We disagree on the Bernie/Hillary axis and this person pointed out to me "You never listen, you shut me down and talk over me."  This was like cold water in the face.  I teach this listening stuff to many managers.  Why can't I practice it as well?  It is because this issue is so passionate to me, I stop being rational and get so emotional that I shut everyone else and their opinions out.  Any one close to me recognize this Sally?

I am really glad my friend called me on my behavior, since we deescalated the conversation by avoiding it.  We could have used a 1-1, but not in the middle of the restaurant and not with anyone else around and not after a mojito.

I just invited two people to step up to the conversation with me.  You know who you are!  I am willing to have these conversations, ready to have them and occasionally when reminded to use the skills I teach to 100s of managers, able to have them.

BTW, this idea of conversations, listening to "opposites" was suggested/mentioned to be by another close friend here in Burlington.  I have thought a lot about it since I head this from him and it confirms what I know, good difficult conversations between two people ready, willing and able to have them will get us all as an organization/country/world to a better place.  Yes I am a pollyanna AND I have seen this magic happen, many times, right in front of my eyes.