On the Eve of Change - one on one conversations

Two days before an incredible change in our country along with a million other pundits I am contemplating the divisiveness in our country.  I read a friend's posting on Facebook just now and that person and I could not be in different places.  I suspect that I am on the verge of being blocked or unfriended by that person which I have already invited "friends" to do.   Sample from my Facebook posts are:

"If you don't like that I post 200 pictures of Zuzu every day please feel free to unfriend me"

"I realize that I might offend others with my shares, so unfriend me in that case.  I cannot stay silent"



When I post on Facebook I USUALLY go through a couple of filters:

1)  "Am I going to embarrass one of my kids with this?"  Honest Chris and Bethany, I do have this filter and it is my first one.

2)  "Have I already shared enough Rumi quotes today or this week, and am I beating a dead horse?"

3)  "Is this important, is this kind and is this necessary?"  OK this filter might not always include the "Is this kind?" but the other two trump the "Is this kind?"

4)  Occasionally I have a filter of "What would friends who are opposite to me politically think of this?"  This one does not stop me from posting but I do think about it.

This last filter is the topic of this post.  I do think that we need to listen to each other and as hard as it is I think we need to listen to those who are on the opposite end of the political spectrum from us.  These are the folks that we like to dismiss, make fun of, get angry with and in all other ways not listen to.  I don't think my Facebook posts are going to help at all with "opposites".  My good friend Gary Holmes wrote an excellent public post about this:

https://garyholmes76.wordpress.com/2016/02/26/the-2016-election-how-to-lose-friends-and-not-influence-people-on-facebook/

BTW, he is one of my friends who is very close to opposite to me and we have skirted around some conversations recently but not had the REAL conversation.    Ready to have it Gary?

A key component to these conversations is that both members will have to be ready, willing and able to have it.  There are skills needed to listen and not rebut, just listen.  There are methodologies many of us have taken in Leadership Training like "What I heard you say......".  It is difficult to have these conversations if you are conflict adverse and these conversations take time and should probably be done live or video conference so you can read the body language of the other person.

THEY SHOULD NOT BE DONE ON Facebook, email, text, social media OR probably in a group.  They should be 1-1.

In my work career I was trained as a mediator and coach, and it was amazing to watch the transformation during some of the sessions.  By identifying the needs of each person, by getting them to really listen to each other, by going as slowly as we needed to make sure the process was being followed, and by having a follow up plan for how each would honor the commitments made, magic happened.  I informally mediated other discussions at work between managers and direct reports, where getting them to listen to each other and resolve misperceptions drastically changed their future interactions.  Often times, I was just a coach in the conversation and would step back and just be a fly on the wall as the conversation continued.  I would say less than 5% of the time we failed.  There are failures and it was usually when people were not listening and/or not ready to have the real conversation

The day after the election, in Cuba, at lunch with a close friend we went at it after our first mojito.  We disagree on the Bernie/Hillary axis and this person pointed out to me "You never listen, you shut me down and talk over me."  This was like cold water in the face.  I teach this listening stuff to many managers.  Why can't I practice it as well?  It is because this issue is so passionate to me, I stop being rational and get so emotional that I shut everyone else and their opinions out.  Any one close to me recognize this Sally?

I am really glad my friend called me on my behavior, since we deescalated the conversation by avoiding it.  We could have used a 1-1, but not in the middle of the restaurant and not with anyone else around and not after a mojito.

I just invited two people to step up to the conversation with me.  You know who you are!  I am willing to have these conversations, ready to have them and occasionally when reminded to use the skills I teach to 100s of managers, able to have them.

BTW, this idea of conversations, listening to "opposites" was suggested/mentioned to be by another close friend here in Burlington.  I have thought a lot about it since I head this from him and it confirms what I know, good difficult conversations between two people ready, willing and able to have them will get us all as an organization/country/world to a better place.  Yes I am a pollyanna AND I have seen this magic happen, many times, right in front of my eyes.

When Offering Help be specific

I have been thinking about this a lot lately as I hear about news from people in our community who are experiencing difficulty in their lives.  I often want to reach out to them but don't know what to say or what to offer.  This topic of asking for help, offering help and receiving help is an interesting one.  In my conversations with people, some of us have trouble asking for help, while others have no problem at all with this.

I for one have trouble receiving help.  When someone offers help it often ends with me saying out loud or to myself "I can do that myself".  I think my daughter has inherited this from me.  The best example is that we only were able to show her once how to tie her shoes.  It might take her 30 minutes but she was going to tie them herself after that one demonstration.  We waited patiently or impatiently while she tied them, and she still is like that most of the time.  She is quite an independent adult.

Lately, when I offer help, rather than a generic "What do you need?", I try to guess what might be helpful.  Do you need me to get something for you?  Do you need me to watch your kid?  Do you want a copy of the daily newspaper?  etc.  They can always say" NO, I need you to do this", but it opens the conversation and allows them to think about what might be helpful.

I am trying to get better at receiving help from others, and asking for help when I need it.  I guess if I did NOT see it as a weakness or ineptitude it might be easier to ask for and receive help.  It is so easy for me to offer and so difficult to receive.  I am working on it, and in the meantime I try to be as specific as possible when I offer help to others.

I Love Mayfair - Saturday May 7th

For those of you unfamiliar with this term, Mayfair is our church sale which happens the Saturday before Mothers Day. Many of my Mothers Day gifts came from this sale and I treasure them.

There are books, white elephants, collectibles, baked goods, jewelry, etc.

R and I ran Mayfair our first year in the church and got to know many different groups in the church. It was a great thing to do in our first year because we had no idea how big the job was.

It is a big HUGE community building activity as people discover items that belonged to another church member. This is where you can buy your summer reading, or a gift for an upcoming holiday or birthday.

I love it for a bunch of reasons. I love watching all generations have a good time. I love to watch the stuff collect, and more importantly, watch it leave. I love to hang out and watch the church make money, and I love the joviality of the day.

We cannot be there Saturday, but I am helping out on Friday in White Elephants.

Happy Mayfair! It is not just about making money for the church, it is also about making community.


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